Lightworks for Well Being newsletter

Helpful in interactions at work, in partnership, friendship and many social settings, the following strategies are effective to promote trust, balance and awareness between two people who are involved in a meaningful conversation that potentially can be difficult given their different thoughts, beliefs, expectations and assumptions.
When we choose to shift into a learning stance, we are inviting the other person to share their point of view and feelings as we listen to them, with the result that more understanding takes place on both sides and both people can work together to manage the issue more effectively in the future.

Types of dialogues
In the "what happened?"dialogue, the situation is more complicated than either person can envision. In a conflictual discussion, the unspoken assumptions are closed-minded. The real goal is to prove that I am right and they are wrong. 'I know what I need to know', 'I know what they intended', 'It's all their fault (or mine)'. In the "learning discussion", the individuals have a goal to explore each other's stories, assumptions and figure out how each person contributed to the issues that transpired. It may be useful to make a chart that outlines who said and did what, that contributed to the problem. The purpose isn't to blame but understand where the conversation failed and what was helpful in the conversation.

In the "feelings conversation", the situation is charged with emotion. In the closed-minded dialogue, the goal is to avoid talking about, blame the other person for, or deflect instead of reflect upon your feelings and theirs. In the "learning conversation", the goal is to address feelings, yours and theirs, without judgment.

In the "identity conversation", when we are close-minded, we work to protect our self-image, which is seen in an "all or nothing" thought process. In the "learning dialogue", we understand that there is a lot at stake for both parties psychologically and we mutually respect the needs to see oneself in a more balanced manner.

Harville Hendrix and his wife are two therapists who work primarily with couples. They have developed some effective methods for having an intimate conversation when misunderstandings occur.

In one instance, one person is the listener and the other person is the speaker and each person has a specific and structured task to follow. The speaker opens the discussion with an "I" message. For example, "I am feeling hurt about the misunderstanding we had yesterday." The speaker goes on to explain their feelings without blaming the listener.

Meanwhile the listener's task is to focus on the speaker, and give back to them their thoughts and feelings. "So, you felt hurt when we got into the argument yesterday?"
This pattern continues on until the speaker has said all that they wish to say and then the couple changes tasks. This process allows for potentially dramatic and conflictual arguments to be processed in a balanced and respectful manner, simply by following the rules.

Her is a list of useful reminders that help us to stay open-minded during difficult encounters:
1. We need to stop arguing about who is right and explore each other's stories.
2. Shift from certainty about what you believe about the other person and move into curiosity about their ideas and beliefs to promote understanding.
3. Treat the other person as charitably and respectfully as you treat yourself.
4. Abandon blame on all levels.
5. Distinguish between blame which is about judging and contribution, which is about understanding.
6. Focusing on blame obstructs problem solving.
7. Contribution, (who said and did what), encourages learning and change.
8. Feelings matter: they may be the heart of difficult conversations.
9. Manage strong feelings: unexpressed feelings make it difficult to listen.
10. Don't vent. Describe your feelings carefully.
11. Ground your identity by being aware of your identity issues.
12. Listening positively transforms the conversation.
13. Learn three skills: inquiry, paraphrasing, and acknowledgement.

How you express yourself in all situations makes a difference between a clear and positive exchange and a disappointing conversation. Rather than asking the other person to see it your way, ask them how they see it differently. When you choose to share something important, you will want to do so in a way that will maximize the chance that the other person will understand and respond productively.

Start practicing by choosing a recent difficult conversation and list what you said and did that contributed to the problem. List what you said and did that positively helped the conversation.