Lightworks for Well Being newsletter

In our hectic and complex days of multi-tasking and taking care of many areas of importance, difficult conversations may be avoided or met by disappointing results, as we manage to make a situation worse by our choice of words or our tone of voice. When intense feelings get involved, the disagreement or misunderstanding may escalate.
It is obvious that in the realm of complex discussions and especially arguments, we are likely to feel dissatisfied with the results. Feelings of discomfort, awkwardness and vulnerability may increase our level of avoidance, as does anything that implicates our self-esteem. Issues that we feel passionate or care deeply about may lead to feelings of anxiety regarding the consequences of the difficult conversation.
This is true in communication with co-workers, partners, parents, children, customers and friends, alike.

The Challenge:
All difficult conversations have a common structure and learning to recognize that structure is significant in improving our most destructive conversations. To understand the structure we need to remember not only what is said but also what is not said. We are thinking and feeling yet usually not stating this information.

According to the Harvard Negotiation Project, each difficult conversation is basically three conversations.

The three types of context:
1. What transpired? Context:
Who said and did what? Who is right? Who's to blame?
2. Emotional Context:
What am I feeling? Is it valid? What do I do with these emotions? What is the other person feeling?
3. Identity Context:
What does this situation mean to me? Does this mean that I am good/bad, lovable/unlovable, competent/incompetent?

Each of these contexts and our own internal answers to them contribute to our sense of balance or anxiety in the relationship.

Communication Roadblocks:
1. Assumptions:
One roadblock in the "What Transpired?" context is that usually we make a simple assumption: I'm right and you are wrong, which leads to a boxcar of grief! We're off the tracks at this point. Ideally the focus should not be about getting the facts right but about understanding the interpretations, perceptions and significance to both sides.
2. Intentions:
Given that intentions are invisible and complex, when we assume that we know the other person's intentions, we really do not.
3. Fault:
When we focus on who is to blame, very little learning occurs, just disagreement and denial. Also, focusing on blame prevents us from understanding the individual contributions to the situation, allowing us to learn about the real causes of the problem.

Moving towards a Shared Learning Conversation:
Too often our purpose for a difficult conversation is to deliver a message that is persuasive so that we get our own way. In understanding the complexity of the three conversations, hopefully our purpose will begin to shift. We can focus on sharing our points of view and feelings to work together to find a way to manage future problems.

Difficult conversations are a normal part of life. We will always be challenged when intense emotions arise so it is best to keep our goals realistic. Reducing the intense feelings is a worthy goal, eliminating them all together is not a reality. Getting better results using the skills and strategies that have been suggested above and will be presented next month, is a useful goal to strive towards. And remember, if we speak from our own full spectrum of experience, we will be clear and if we speak for ourselves, we can speak with power.

Part B next month: Specific Communication Skills