As children we need these qualities as building blocks of identity, to develop a strong self-esteem and a healthy sense of self. What we need as youngsters is also what we need to create happy intimate love relationships as adults. If our early years haven't given us the skills to create harmony and closeness, we struggle as adults in our significant relationships. These qualities come to children from their parents as gifts. In turn, as adults we can freely and effortlessly give these gifts to others.
The Six Keys
The six 'A's are the essential ingredients of love, security, respect and support. John Gottman, a relationship guru, says that behind every complaint is a wish for one of the six A's.
Appreciation
Appreciation is feeling cherished for our unconditional worth, expressed verbally or non-verbally. Appreciation may be experienced as gratitude, recognizing our efforts. Appreciation can be a word of encouragement, a smile, wink, pat on the shoulder or a loving look.
Affection
Giving and receiving love is our primary need. Affection refers to being close on the physical and feeling level. Affection may include kindliness, considerateness, thoughtfulness, playfulness and romantic gestures. It also encompasses nearness or loving presence with a reliable availability.
Acceptance
Acceptance means we are embraced as worthy and received respectfully with all our feelings, choices and personal traits, which help us to feel safe about knowing and giving ourselves to others. Our ability to be close is determined by how safe we feel, which is based on how authentically we were accepted as children. Children need to feel free of preconceived plans and agendas from their parents to feel truly accepted. Acceptance is approval and approval is a necessary component of self-esteem.
Attention
Attention to someone means engaged focus, sensitivity to our needs and feelings. Attention comes from a desire to protect, not as intrusion or surveillance. Attentiveness gives us the feeling of being truly understood in what we say and do and in who we are. When we are given attention, we feel listened to respectfully. We feel that we are being taken seriously and if we displease someone, we feel confronted directly.
Acknowledgement
Being acknowledged relates to receiving attention with the emphasis on being heard, understood, and being encouraged to become the best that we can be. We can explain and outline our needs, feelings and insecurities without feeling judged while our significant other listens and acknowledges.
Allowing
Mirroring freedom or allowing means encouraging the liveliness and passion in ourselves and others, rather than squelching them for our own good or safety. True allowing means letting someone go by giving them the freedom to accomplish two primary tasks of maturation. The first is separation from parental figures and the second is to develop as a unique person. When love is the life force of a relationship or family, instead of fear, each member becomes complete as him/herself.
Intimacy requires the giving and receiving of the aforementioned qualities at all levels: emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. Is there a method to positively influence our ability to give these essential elements of love? Thankfully there is.
The Power of Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a practice that aids in experiencing and expanding compassion. Mindfulness allows us to witness reality without judgment, attachment, fear, expectations, defensiveness, bias or control. Mindfulness is a Buddhist practice that brings our basic attention to what is going on in the here and now. Mindfulness is a courageous venture, being able to look without fixed ideas of what is fitting. We discover a strength within us that makes relating to others effective. Mindfulness leads us to let go of ego by letting go of fear and grasping, which is an apt skill for healthy relating, being present to others purely. Practising mindfulness is a path to giving others the six key A's, the essential components of love, respect and support.
Bibliography:
1. Kabat-Zinn, John, Coming to Our Senses, Hyperion, New York, 2005
2. Gottman John, PhD, Why Marriage Succeed or Fail, Simon & Schuster, 1994
